


blooming, wilting

by kanachans



Category: ARGONAVIS from BanG Dream! AAside (Video Game)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Hanahaki Disease, Kurama Tadaomi: Painfully Unaware, M/M, Nijo Kanata: Painfully in Love, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:54:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29038968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kanachans/pseuds/kanachans
Summary: The flowers Kanata coughed out were so beautiful, Tadaomi didn't understand the flowers were for him.
Relationships: Kurama Tadaomi/Nijo Kanata
Comments: 1
Kudos: 13





	blooming, wilting

**Author's Note:**

> content warning for typical hanahaki things: descriptive vomiting, blood, brief mentions of death/surgery  
> a very fun time indeed yes

Kanata was used to people not loving him. Sure, people liked him, but no one ever thought of him as special, even after he tried so hard to appear as such.

It shouldn’t have been a surprise when Kanata started choking and coughing out flowers. Gentle blue petals. The ache lingered in his throat for hours, it was just another reminder that Kanata was unloved.

Even when he had spent the past half hour kneeled over the floor, losing breath through tears as he tried to get the petals out of his throat, Tadaomi still looked so beautiful to him. His movements during practice were so ethereal, painfully unaware.

“Where have you been, Kanata?” Reiji asked, cold as always. He didn’t show any concern, just annoyance that Kanata had rushed out in the middle of practice.

“Washroom,” Kanata replied dully, his voice hoarse. Although he scrubbed at his skin with soap, he still worried that the bitter floral scent followed him.

It had barely been a month since Kanata found the first petal. He knew that he adored Tadaomi but feeling the petal crawl its way out of his lungs felt like several trucks hitting him all at once. The first truck being that Kanata’s feelings were so much more than he thought it was. The second, that Kanata was truly capable of being in love with someone. The third, how much the feeling of coughing ached. And the fourth and probably the most painful was that Tadaomi didn’t love him back.

Barely a month and Kanata choked on petals every day. Strangely enough, he didn’t mind it. If it meant he could feel his heart bloom every time he saw Tadaomi on stage, every time Tadaomi’s eyes shone in analysis, every time Tadaomi looked his way, he could learn to love the flowers that bloomed in his lungs.

He had intended to keep it a secret, though Kanata hadn’t thought very far about what he’d do. He could afford the surgery, get rid of the flowers in his lungs, maybe could even get it done without anyone but his mother knowing but that meant getting rid of his feelings. But..

“Kanata-kun, are you okay?”

But when Tadaomi looked at him with concerned eyes and a gentle expression, Kanata didn’t want to forget what it felt like to be in love.

Although Kanata was good at keeping sides of him hidden, it was hard. To pretend like he wasn’t yearning for Tadaomi’s touch every single hour, to act like he wasn’t intensely wishing for Tadaomi to look at him with something more than an inquiring gaze, that him spending even more time with Tadaomi meant nothing.

Whenever Tadaomi stared at him, Kanata wanted to pretend that his puzzling expression held some love behind it. Even just a little bit of affection locked away behind the eyes that studied Kanata like a science project.

The flowers were meant to be a secret, just another piece of Kanata covered up by charm and charisma. Yet Kanata wanted Tadaomi to know, he wanted him to be aware that Kanata was choking on the love he had for him.

So the next time he was with Tadaomi and felt the petals blocking his throat, Kanata didn’t run away.

He stayed on the couch and leaned over as tears started to block his vision, Kanata’s throat ached as he coughed. The petals ached, having Tadaomi’s presence by him ached, his heart ached.

“Kanata-kun, what’s wrong?” 

The softness in Tadaomi’s voice ached, his hand on Kanata’s shoulder ached. He didn’t stop coughing even after the last petal dropped onto the floor, Kanata wheezed and struggled to breathe.

It wasn’t until he felt Tadaomi’s hand drop from his shoulder that Kanata opened his eyes.

Tadaomi had kneeled on the floor, picked up one of the blue petals and inspected it, it was then that Kanata realized how similar the colour was to Tadaomi’s eyes.

“These are beautiful,” Tadaomi said, he still sounded as soft as when he asked Kanata what was wrong. Kanata wanted to believe it was a special type of love reserved only for him, even if the petals said otherwise.

“Beautiful?” Kanata questioned through heavy breaths.

Tadaomi looked into his eyes and Kanata felt all the air leave his lungs a second time, Tadaomi smiled and placed his hand on Kanata’s cheek.

“It hurts, doesn’t it?”

Kanata was entranced, absolutely mesmerized by Tadaomi’s beauty, trapped in his gaze and sounds. The words he spoke wrapped around his brain, entangled in his thoughts. Being in love did hurt, but it hurt so good.

There were no more words spoken, Tadaomi gently stroked Kanata’s cheek before he stood up to get a cup of water. Nothing else was said when Tadaomi handed the cup to Kanata and sat beside him. They continued watching the movie as if nothing had happened.

Only a couple of days passed before Tadaomi mentioned the flowers.

“Kanata-kun, those petals, what do they mean?”

Kanata had nearly tripped over a cord over how open Tadaomi was about it. At the end of practice, no less.

“Huh? What are you talking about?” Kanata tried to laugh it off once he felt Reiji’s gaze pierce into him.

But Tadaomi didn’t know how to take hints, he merely tilted his head, “The blue petals you coughed out the other day, I can’t stop thinking about it.”

Thankfully, Shu and Haruka had already left the room. Haruka wouldn’t know how weak and in love Kanata was and Shu wouldn’t have a means of tormenting him. Unfortunately, he could sense a lecture from Reiji about it.

“I’m not sure, Kurama-senpai,” Kanata lied, he moved to hold the door open, “We should head back now, let’s go,”

Tadaomi had barely made his way out the door when Reiji spoke up, “Kanata, I need to talk to you.”

Kanata bit back a groan, he knew that Tadaomi’s words wouldn’t go ignored, not by Reiji. Of course, Reiji had told Tadaomi to just go by himself so there was no clear way of avoiding the topic.

Alone with Reiji in the studio, Kanata looked everywhere that wasn’t at his bandmate.

“So?” Reiji said.

“..So what?”

“You have Hanahaki, when are you getting the surgery?” As expected from Reiji, he was straight to the point and showed almost no concern.

How could Kanata even say that he didn’t want it, even if it was the most logical decision and even if he wouldn’t remember what it meant to be in love with Tadaomi once it was over. Was it possible to fall in love with the same person for a second time? Kanata was sure he would.

When Kanata didn’t say anything, Reiji continued, “You do understand that it’s fatal and if that’s the case, you will be kicked from the band.”

Kanata chuckled bitterly, so Reiji believed that the person he loved wouldn’t love him back either, without knowing who it was. He didn’t even mind the part about him being kicked without any sort of remorse, Kanata was replaceable.

“Come on, Karasuma-senpai, don’t be so cold!” He laughed, his tone was light as if he was making another joke, yet tears started to form in his eyes. “You know Kanachan is very charming.”

“Kanata, be serious for once in your life.”

“Okay! The surgery date is at the end of the month,” Kanata raised his hands in fake defeat, telling a lie was as easy as everything else to him. “I wanted to do it without anyone knowing so don’t say anything.”

Reiji stared at him for a few agonizing silent seconds before he made a sound of acknowledgement. It could’ve gone worse but it was the first and last time Reiji bought it up. The walk back to their dorm was silent. 

When Kanata entered his room, Tadaomi was on his bed, laptop placed on his thighs.

“You’re back,” Tadaomi smiled up at him. At that moment, Kanata imagined Tadaomi welcoming him home every single day with the same smile for the rest of his life and his heart erupted in painful butterflies.

“Yeah,” Kanata smiled back as he gently shut his door, he moved to sit next to Tadaomi and sat as close as he dared to, “What are you up to?”

Tadaomi shifted his screen, “I thought about you coughing the flowers and it says here that it’s called Hanahaki disease, in which a person experiencing one-sided love has flowers blooming in their lungs. It’s a tragic disease that can eventually kill them like they’re slowly wilting away.”

Kanata’s throat ran dry.

“Will you die, Kanata-kun?” There was no sadness in his tone, there was nothing behind his eyes. Maybe there was some interest, a strange type of fascination as Tadaomi thought of Kanata’s death but nothing else beyond that.

Once again, there was the feeling Kanata had grown so accustomed to in his chest yet it was heavier. Tadaomi seemed to know, as he moved the laptop onto the bedside table and watched Kanata with curiosity.

The petals came up into his throat again and Kanata coughed in reflex to get them out but the coughing sensation turned into one of vomiting. His throat constricted and his chest heaved as Kanata gagged and choked.

Tadaomi reached out and brushed a strand of Kanata’s hair behind his ear before he rested his hand on his shoulder. The sudden warmth that spread through his chest along with the exhaustion of trying to get the petals out of his throat hit him at the same time.

Kanata dropped onto the floor, he struggled to breathe in between each time he vomited. This time, the blue petals were spotted with his own blood and spit. Tadaomi kneeled down next to him and gently played with Kanata’s hair.

Tadaomi was right, Kanata thought as his vision blurred, the petals were beautiful.

“I wonder who it is,” Tadaomi thought out loud as he picked up one of the petals, even if he didn’t understand what it felt like to hurt, Tadaomi thought it was interesting to see. Kanata, a face who always looked so happy and cheerful being in this much pain.

The vomiting didn’t stop for another 20 minutes and Tadaomi sat there with Kanata the entire time.

Kanata was exhausted, he slumped against the bed with his eyes closed. He wondered if he really would die and if he would die being in love with Tadaomi, who didn’t even know it was him Kanata was in love with. If he had told him, would it even matter to Tadaomi?

All his thoughts were silenced when Tadaomi moved Kanata’s head to rest on his shoulder, “Rest now, Kanata-kun,” he said softly.

In a moment like that, being so close to Tadaomi, it didn’t matter to Kanata either. If he could just keep getting moments like this, he could pretend it meant something, he could trick himself into believing Tadaomi felt the same heart-pounding adoration he did. If they could have moments like this, Kanata could be happy.

Kanata woke up in his bed under his blanket and more in love with Tadaomi than before.

Since then, the two had started to spend more time together. Even if Tadaomi was doing so to watch Kanata and see up close the effects of Hanahaki, it meant everything to Kanata if he chose to focus on the right pieces.

“Does anyone else know? Do they know?” Tadaomi questioned. He hadn’t even touched his food since it arrived at their table booth.

These weren’t dates, Tadaomi didn’t behave any differently when they hung out like this, he didn’t show any signs of affection. But Kanata told himself that Tadaomi didn’t show any signs of emotions in the first place, that didn’t mean he wasn’t feeling them. So Kanata pretended.

“You’re the only one who knows,” Kanata replied. A half truth, Reiji knows and also  _ they _ know, they just don’t know they’re the one.

Tadaomi hummed as he poked at his food. He appeared mildly disinterested in being here but when a question crossed his mind, the bright curiosity would return, “Then are you going to tell them?”

“Do you think I should?”

Tadaomi went deep into thought, whenever he started to analyze a situation like this, there was a certain facial expression he made and Kanata found it endearing. He almost wished he could snap a photo of him.

There was no harm in it, Kanata pulled out his phone and photographed Tadaomi, who didn’t react in the slightest. He didn’t really react to most things, if he did it was subtle.

“I would like to know what happens if you did but this is a judgement you should make on your own,” Tadaomi finally answered, he continued to stab at his food with his fork, “If you’re still making flowers, it means they still don’t love you.”

The words pierced through Kanata’s heart. Tadaomi stopped saying Kanata coughed out the flowers, he made them instead and he made them for someone who didn’t love him. Even if Tadaomi was there with him, he didn’t love him.

“Maybe you can pretend to be my boyfriend,” Kanata said lightly, he tried to cover how his voice trembled with a laugh but it caused him to cough.

Tadaomi didn’t laugh, “But you’re in love with a person who doesn’t love you back,”

“Kurama-senpai, I’ve never been in a relationship before,” The words were mumbled and Kanata flushed at Tadaomi’s surprised expression, Kanata didn’t know what he was saying. “I want to know what it’s like, even for a short while.”

A few seconds of silence went by before Tadaomi reached his hand over the table to rest it atop of Kanata’s. He felt warm and when Kanata looked up, Tadaomi’s expression looked soft and almost lovestruck, suddenly everything felt like it was burning.

But maybe it was just Kanata’s desperate imagination.

After their pretend date, the two held hands on the way back to their dorms. Tadaomi caressed Kanata’s hair when he started vomiting petals in an alleyway and hugged him when he stopped, wiped away his tears when he started crying and told him how strong he was.

That night, Kanata spent an hour with his fingers gripped at the washroom sink as he coughed and struggled to pull out an entire flower by its stem.

He stared at the flower for a couple of minutes, beyond exhausted and barely awake, Kanata considered giving it to Tadaomi as a gift. It’s not like Tadaomi made any effort to hide the fact that he had collected the petals Kanata vomited out.

In the end, Kanata tossed it into his drawer. After Tadaomi pointed out how beautiful the petals were, Kanata couldn’t stop seeing the beauty in it either and having a whole flower must’ve been so lovely.

Tadaomi and Kanata held hands in public, they cuddled and went on dates. Shu tried to make fun of them for it but got bored with the lack of reaction, Haruka didn’t care and Reiji would stare for a few seconds too long before he moved on.

Whenever Tadaomi tried to bring up Kanata’s condition, Kanata would wrap his arms around Tadaomi and ask him to say nice things.

You’re amazing, being with you makes me so happy, you’re so fun to be around, I enjoy our dates, being close to you feel safe, I like being your boyfriend, I love you, I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

The words Tadaomi said were hollow but Kanata had gotten addicted to hearing them. Going to sleep without hearing Tadaomi’s empty I love you was impossible, going on a date without Tadaomi’s calculated compliment made him feel dead inside.

If Kanata could forget that he choked on flowers every few hours, he could pretend it was real.

“Kanata-kun, how long are we going to date?”

Time was never a thought in Kanata’s mind when he was with Tadaomi unless the time equated to eternal. Every moment spent with Tadaomi felt like mini forevers. Especially in moments like this, when they walked alongside a river as the sun started to set, Tadaomi shone in a way that was so ethereal and breathtaking.

Kanata wanted this to last forever, wanted Tadaomi to be with him forever.

“Do we need a time limit?”

“I suppose not but what do you plan to do?”

Kanata stopped in his tracks, ever since Tadaomi agreed to date him, he hadn’t planned anything. He was so caught up in the fact that Tadaomi was actually  _ his _ even if it didn’t happen the way he wished it did.

The setting sun made Tadaomi’s eyes sparkle and Kanata tricked himself into believing it was an expression of love. To be an object of Tadaomi’s love made Kanata feel more alive than he had ever been, never mind the flowers constricting his airways. When Tadaomi looked at him like that, he felt loved.

There had been no warning and little to no time to react between the moments Kanata stared into Tadaomi’s eyes and the moment Kanata grabbed Tadaomi’s face in his hands and pressed their lips together.

Tadaomi stiffened, reached to grab at Kanata’s wrists who felt like his soul was expanding and exploding at once. And when Tadaomi pulled away, it felt like Kanata’s soul had burned out.

“Kurama-senpai, please,” Kanata whispered, his voice cracked and he feared the type of reaction he’d see if he opened his eyes, so he kept them shut. 

It was wrong, how Kanata had most likely been taking advantage of Tadaomi’s obliviousness, vicariously living through the pretend relationship they had that wasn’t pretending to him. But if that’s what Kanata was doing, what was Tadaomi doing? What was his reason to agree to this relationship? It was something Kanata didn’t want to think too hard about.

With Tadaomi, there was no time to think about anything. Even if there was, all the time in the world wouldn’t be enough to figure out Tadaomi’s intentions.

When Tadaomi kissed him, Kanata didn’t want to think at all. How it felt having Tadaomi’s lips moving against his was euphoric in the most painful way, the warmth of Tadaomi’s hands on his jaw was bliss. Kissing Tadaomi felt maddening in all the right ways.

His movements were calculated, borderline gentle; Tadaomi handled Kanata like he was made of glass, ready to shatter at any moment and Kanata loved it.

It wasn’t until Tadaomi felt a hot teardrop on his cheek that he pulled away. Tears flowed down Kanata’s face with a bittersweet smile, he had dreamed of this moment for weeks and it went exactly the way he thought it would.

“Are you okay?” Tadaomi wiped away his tears, he was so painfully soft.

Kanata nodded, yet his tears didn’t stop, his fingers trembled against Tadaomi’s cheeks. He pressed a quick kiss to his lips, every part of Kanata felt like it had been lit aflame, the petals inside him were burnt.

“Kurama Tadaomi, I am wilting for you,” He whispered against Tadaomi’s lips.

Tadaomi didn’t say anything back, just continued to kiss Kanata through his tears. At this point, Kanata had lost sight of the difference between blooming and wilting but with Tadaomi kissing him until his head spun, he didn’t care in the slightest.

**Author's Note:**

>  ~~take a shot every time the word petal(s) was written~~ anyways tadaomi is very fun to write i just think he's neat !! stan tadakana contrary to this fic they are in love thank you


End file.
